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What If: Mini was the EPL?

CarBuyer Team
18/02/2019

Fantasy football time : If Mini was the EPL, then which clubs would best represent each of the models in the Mini lineup? 

SINGAPORE

From Mr. Bean to Mick Jagger, Minis have been less characterised by their owners – and more towards the adventurous, fun and giant-killing spirit they embody. And just like Mr. Bean and Mick Jagger, Mini hails from the land of David Beckham’s right foot: England. 

Similar to football, Mini has an illustrious and rich background in the United Kingdom. The brand started in 1959 with only one option for consumers (the original mini), but has grown through the decades and is now offering six choices (namely the Mini 3 Door, Mini 5 Door, Mini Convertible, Mini Clubman, Mini Countryman and Mini John Cooper Works).

The character of each of these Mini models are colourful and varied, and accordingly, they have each attracted their own legion of chest-thumping, die-hard fans.

Would they love an English Premier League (PL) football club the same way? We draw a parallel to what these six Minis would be if they were clubs from the PL, you tell us the answer.

Mini 3 Door: Manchester United

It’s a classic. Most famously known for an insanely-successful  27-year period under Sir Alex Ferguson, Manchester United has clocked up a record total of 20 First Division/PL titles. The Red Devils can excite you the same way a Mini 3 Door does with its thrilling low centre-of-gravity handling, but you won’t have to endure 90 minutes of Louis van Gaal David Moyes Jose Mourinho playing for a goalless draw.

United is also England’s most successful club in Europe (3 UEFA Champions League titles), and that naturally translates to some added culture and sophistication. In fact, Mini says its 3 Door is “your perfect evening date”, and we can see why. The hatch is smart and charismatic, and you’ll find yourself enjoying the ride sooner or later, just like United fans enjoyed Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s last-gasp goal in Munich of 1999 to seal a historic treble (seriously though, that was way too late).

The Mini 3 Door

To represent the Mini 3 Door well is to reinvent constantly and still come out tops, and Manchester United’s excellence in that area (MUFC has won major trophies in every decade since the 1940s) makes it the logical choice.

Mini 5 Door: Liverpool

The Mini 5 Door’s flexibility and modern attitude (whilst still keeping the “hallmark Mini attitude”) endears itself to the urban crowd – Much like how Jurgen Klopp and his gegenpressing have entranced the Liverpool faithful. 

Gegenpressing (loosely translated as “pressing against”) is a philosophy in football that encourages the team to swiftly recover possession immediately after losing it (as compared to the traditional method of falling back and defending ‘properly’), and it’s a large part of Liverpool getting to two European cup finals since Klopp’s arrival in 2015. 

By combining his modern twist on tactics with the legacy and pedigree of Liverpool Football Club, Klopp has emulated the spirit of the Mini 5 Door – Modern driving with the vintage feel of Mini’s trademark go-kart handling.

The Mini 5 Door

While the Mini 5 Door has more doors, more head room and leg room than the 3 Door, the only thing Liverpool has more than Manchester United is baggage. What do I mean? 

Let me answer in the form of one of my favourite jokes: What’s the only ship never to have set sailed in the port of Liverpool? 

……

It’s the English Premiership. The reds last won the league in 1990, 30 years ago when it was still called the First Division.

Mini Convertible: Leicester City

The Mini Convertible was designed to capture the spirit of being “boldly outgoing and open-minded” – and that’s simply what Leicester showed the world in 2016 enroute to winning the club’s first ever PL title since the its inception 132 years ago.

2016 was not supposed to go well for the Foxes. They barely escaped relegation one season before and then got into a whole lot of trouble in Thailand (three players sacked, including then-manager Nigel Pearson’s son, James Pearson). The Thai-owned English club then decided to appoint the eccentric Italian journeyman Claudio Ranieri as their new boss, leading to public doubts about the effectiveness of their communications.

The Mini Convertible

It subsequently got WAY more confusing when Leicester started putting up winning streaks along the season, but the club was unphased and Ranieri dilly-dinged and dilly-donged his way to the PL title. At pre-season odds of 5,000:1, Leicester proved to be brave and undogmatic, winning the league to cause one of the biggest upsets of all time. Giant killing is certainly not new to Mini, but the Convertible’s dare-to-do and frontier-pushing style certainly takes it up another notch, and who knows what might happen from there?

Leicester fans would know a thing or two about a pure and joyous experience, and with a turbocharged engine that has an output of 192hp (for the Cooper S variant), the Mini Convertible should give you a similar ride of emotions. 

Mini Clubman: Arsenal

It’s hard to be an Arsenal fan and yet not be entertained. Under Arsene Wenger, the gunners played football with the emphasis on winning through beauty and creativity. The peak of Wenger’s vision came through in 2004, when Arsenal went through an entire season unbeaten to win the PL (they remain the only team in England to do so), chalking up 49 consecutive games without losing in a very literal case of ‘style meets function’. 

The Mini Clubman

The Mini Clubman also lives up to that tag, providing finesse and practicality to its users with a front touchscreen, optional functions like Head-Up Display and Park Assist, and split doors for the boot (that has up to 1,250 liters in space).

If the Mini Clubman is a cultured extension of the Mini family, Arsenal is undoubtedly the same for the PL. Afterall, they were the first PL side to field a team of 11 players from 11 different nationalities  in the same game.

Mini Countryman: Chelsea

The Mini Countryman

The Mini Countryman is ruggedly handsome, very much so like Chelsea’s Olivier Giroud. But that’s not all they are good for. In the last 10 years, Chelsea has won everything there is to win as a club in the PL (save for the FIFA Club World Cup), and that’s testament to their versatility and drive. The Blues can play ugly to get that important draw in the second leg of a cup semi-final, or they can overwhelm you from the start to score a stunning victory.

As the all-rounder in the Mini range, the Countryman will blend in well in any setting. It’s ready for a winding coastal road, but will also perform with gusto in the bustle of the city.

SONY DSC

Similarly, Chelsea were undaunted by the travels to major European cities and teams when they won the UEFA Champions League in 2012; they experienced no problems as well in 2013, travelling to smaller European towns enroute to winning the EUROPA League – Chelsea and the Countryman are adaptable outfits that will thrive wherever you choose to take them, and you’ll find yourself revelling in that fact after a drive.

Mini John Cooper Works: Manchester City

Mini says that the John Cooper Works is “high performance and ready to make a powerful impression with their (its) athletic stance…” But I suspect they’re talking about Manchester City. The Citizens blew the PL away in the 2017-18 season, clocking up an unprecedented 100 points to take home the title, scoring 106 goals and conceding ONLY 27 goals (in 38 games!) in the process.

It’s almost like City are in a league of their own, and John Cooper Works should be able to empathise with that feeling. The Mini John Cooper Works takes 6.1 seconds to go from 0-100 km/h and has a top speed of 246 km/h. And with 231hp, its significantly more powerful than the rest, just like how club owner Sheikh Mansour’s millions are making his team the best.

The Mini JCW

City manager Pep Guardiola continues to inspire, helping the club grow from strength to strength in true John Cooper style, and we should expect more in the future – both from City and John Cooper Works.

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CarBuyer Team

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